I came to Austria to help but I am getting so much more out of this than my small contributions to those who are seeking refuge (I am committed to eliminating the “R” word from usage. These are people, not a classification). Yesterday was filled with intense experiences and learning. At least I hope that there has been learning; so far it seems to be more questions than answers.
The afternoon was spent at the main train station where I spent my second day at the hygiene supply station, handing out toothbrushes, shampoo, baby diapers, soap, etc. and disappointing many men with the frequent news that we don’t have any hair gel. Many things were in short supply (hair shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream, fingernail clippers, hair brushes) while other items were in over-supply (body shampoo, false eye lashes, aftershave). The supplies are all donated and come in huge bags or boxes. When a new bag/box arrives, it is a little like Christmas morning for us as we paw through looking for which of the stocks we can re-supply. Occasionally we encounter a surprise like the box of condoms in one bag. I was unsure of the cultural sensitivities in putting these out but we went ahead and were a little surprised to see them disappear within about 20 seconds. Is this a needed supply that we should begin soliciting? How would potential donors feel about such a request? How does it challenge or confirm any of our stereotypes?
The experience of dealing with so much stuff was a real challenge for this nomad and it really held up a mirror for me to examine some of my issues with stuff and with abundance and scarcity. I was bothered by all of the excessive packaging and the marketing of so many personal care items that I did not even recognize (of course they were all labeled in German) and could not understand how we have been convinced that we need. I observed some people only taking small portions, only what they needed and not a lot of extra to carry. And I saw others who grabbed everything they could sometimes without even knowing what it was. I could see some of myself in both of these responses. I could also really understand the sense of scarcity and insecurity that the journey must have caused in some. Having and hoarding can be a means of dealing with some of the pain caused by trauma.
As a volunteer, I would ask myself what role and responsibility I had. At times I would find myself protecting the supplies, limiting people to one of each item and causing some people to justify their need for more. Other times, I turned a blind eye to people filling their bags. Why? It wasn’t “my” stuff. Did I really have a responsibility to try and protect those who would come later and find the supplies gone? A part of this, I recognize is a deep sense of fairness and a value that everyone “should” be considerate to others and to think of their needs. What a joke for me to think that my sense of fairness would have any relevance to someone who has been forced to leave his/her home and risk his/her life and experience all of the indignities associated with being a refugee. And what business do I have trying to control the actions of someone who has been deeply traumatized already and whose actions may be a result of that trauma?
How people reacted to the stuff they were given was also an interesting trigger for me. There were many who said thank you, some even for a single package of kleenex. Others showed no sign of gratitude and some were even demanding. I especially got impatient and a little cranky with the guys who expected there to be hair gel available for them and would act a little put out when there wasn’t. I hate to see it but there is a part of me that thinks “they should be grateful” and “they should be satisfied with whatever ‘we’ give them”. I hate to recognize that us/them dichotomy in my thinking and the attitudes of privilege and entitlement that it represents. Over and over I reminded myself that what I was seeing was largely a consequence of trauma. Then I would wonder how they behaved in their prior “normal” lives. And then I would be reminded by how much trauma affects all of us in our “normal” lives. It was all a reminder of how important healing of trauma is for everyone and especially those who have been through such danger and are entering a new life. How will we, as a global community, provide opportunities for healing of those with trauma? So, I realized that part of my work was to deal with my own traumatized parts and monitor my own triggered reactions and let go of my expectations and values in order to just be present and make as much stuff available as possible. Consequently, I took frequent breaks from the frontline customer service and spent time organizing supplies and trying up the work area. There are so many ways, including attending to space and beauty, to serve.
Late in the afternoon I was informed that there were a few thousand people arriving at the border town of Hegyeshalom in the evening. Many were families with young children. All had been on the train through Hungary and without food for a long time. Food and water was needed urgently at the border so I made arrangements to get food from the Vienna volunteer effort and to take them by car with another volunteer to the border.
Soon after we arrived at the border crossing our carload of bottled water, cookies, chocolate bars and apples were supplemented by a truckload of water and 50 large boxes of Halal sandwiches. These several thousand sandwiches had been made by hand by the Islamic community in Vienna. Later I learned that they have been producing in the neighborhood of 10,000 sandwiches every day for the past couple of weeks. (BTW, I was also impressed by the efforts of the Sikh community in Vienna that produces huge pots of rice and chicken everyday for serving at the train station. This is truly a multi-faith (and non-faith) humanitarian effort.).
Around 10, the first group began arriving. The train had deposited them at the depot in Hegyeshalom, about 5 km away and they had to walk the remainder of the to the border. So they arrived in a straggling column of about 1,500 men, women and children, all hungry and all aware of the proximity of Austria and the safety it represents. Austria would not be the end of the line for most, but it was probably the first place where they would feel safe and welcome. So, they streamed by, intent to reach the border. We greeted them with a smile, a “welcome” and the offer of a sandwich. This was one of the most moving experiences of my life. To see the look of relief and longing in their eyes, to feel their emotional energy and physical drive to reach the border and to sense the hunger with which they took the food touched me deeply. Over and over this little act of offering food and a kind word was met with such genuine thanks. As I looked in the eyes of one of these courageous people and tried to say “you are welcome” I found those words to be so much deeper than the common courtesy and when I tried to speak them I often found myself too emotional and tearful to even speak.
To be in such a presence and to have my heart touched so deeply is a precious gift and makes me realize just how much I gain from this work. Is this selfish? Probably. Is my ego stroked as well as my heart touched? Probably. But I also think that its ok to perform a good deed even when my motives are not 100% pure. It is my hope that each such encounter will purify some of my own egoic motivation and will expand my heart’s capacity for love and compassion. And it is my hope and my belief that this is happening collectively as humanity responds to humanity with love. This is a practice ground for all of us, those present here on the frostlines and those holding us from a distance. Our collective heart is expanding and preparing us for the future challenges that await our planet.
After the first wave of about 1,500 passed, the volunteers cleaned up and sorted all of the leftovers. Eventually many of the volunteers drifted off and at last there was only a handful of us left. Would there be more trains this night? No one seemed to know? Who was in charge and what would be done with the leftovers (maybe half of the sandwiches and water as well as lots of cookies)? No one knew. Finally, it was decided that two of the Hungarian women volunteers would spend the night at the crossing and the rest of us would go home.
Before we left for the hour trip back to Vienna, though, Karli was confronted by a very angry and animated reporter. A crew of three journalists from Reuters had been in the midst of the human flow as we were offering food and they used this as the backdrop for a videotaped news report. Now they were back smoking and looking for conversation. Or maybe more accurately looking for an argument. The reporter began by telling Karli how we were all wasting our time and that what we were doing was meaningless. Further, he said that what we were doing was actually harmful because it allowed the governments to avoid taking responsibility. Although I could not understand the content of the conversation in German, I could tell that he was becoming more and more angry and animated. Once I learned about the content, I was astonished. What was gained by sharing this opinion with cold and tired volunteers? Where was this anger coming from? How many others share such a worldview? In time, I recognized that he, too, was probably operating from his own trauma. He, too, needs compassion and healing. Somehow, all of us need healing from our traumas (no matter the cause or the extent) if we are ever to be able to live in peace and love.
So, I am left with the question of how do we help to heal the traumas in each of us so that we can act with more love and compassion. For me, my current answer is to continue practicing, even with murky intentions and without clarity of the consequences and implications. Just keep learning to love.
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