I might not make it! Today I realized that I may have bit off more than I can chew. At my current pace, I´ll not make it to Santiago by the time that I need to leave for Egypt.
Things really shifted fro me a couple of days ago when I got the invitation to be part of the hosting team for a collaboration training with emerging young leaders in Egypt. This is the kind of work that I want to be doing and I didn´t hesitate before saying “YES”. After all, that is what this trip is all about.
Prior to this invitation, I had been enjoying the spaciousness of my time. Most of the pilgrims have clear goals or deadlines for their return flights. I´ve always said that I would take as long as needed, whether 40 days or 50 days or more. But, now that has all shifted and it appears that I will need for Egypt around October 18, which would mean about a 40 day pilgrimage. This means a pace of 20 km – 12 miles – per day. That is just about my average pace so far but it allows for no days off or for anything unforeseen.
Yesterday I hit the wall, feeling my energy totally depleted. By bedtime, I felt ill, like I had experienced way too much sun, too much wine and not enough water. All day today, I have felt slightly nauseated and have has no appetite. The heat today was horrendous – over 100 F, I am sure. It was a miserably long day.
Listen to my body. I don´t know how many times I´ve heard this advise and yet it is so hard to do. This morning, I lay down next to a stack of straw bales and took a nap for over an hour. After a seemingly never-ending stretch of 6 km in the heat of the day in an agricultural area with no shade, I found a small bit of shade under a tree and promptly fell asleep again. Once I reached my bed at the end of a 19.5 km day, I fell asleep again. So, when I listen to my body, it tells me that it needs more sleep and doesn´t want food. That hardly seems sustainable or compatible with finishing the camino.
The good news is that my feet are in great shape, unlike all of the serious blisters that I see on other pilgrims. My knee is also holding up pretty well and it feels like my legs are getting stronger and looser.
The wisdom of my body is to let go of any expectation of walking all the way to Santiago or Finnesterre on this trip. Its difficult to let go of this as I must have some ego attachment to walking the entire Camino. But my deeper intentions for this journey have been to be open to what wants to happen (like the Egypt invitation). It is about learning to savor each step rather than focusing upon a destination.
So, my intention – as of tonight – is to walk at whatever pace my body indicated and to let go of the destination and to let go of those companions who are focused on destination and time frames. Perhaps it will mean more solitary travel, or maybe new companions. No more calculating days and distances to Santiago. I will walk until it is time to leave for Egypt and consider that to be a success. I could return another time to complete the pilgrimage or I can learn to accept that my pilgrimage did not end in Santiago and that is just the way it was meant to be.
I want to experience the success of walking each step with intention and not to concern myself with external indicators of success. What is success, really?
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