Vulnerability

My conversation this morning with Simone helped me notice the journey that I am currently on and to crystallize  my current questions in exploring the development this website.

First a word about Simone Poutnik… It has been a real joy to watch Simone grow and to discover her gift as a witness, whether of the emerging democratic movement in the Middle East or of my first steps in web development and blogging. This morning she shared with me a beautiful little process of three questions from Human Systems Dynamics Institute: What? So what? And , now what?  These three little questions provided a nice process for reflecting upon this journey of web presencing.

Yes, as always, the process is the journey.  Being consciously present in developing my website is raising issues that are far deeper and richer and more personal than just how to position text on the screen and what kind of organizational structure to utilize.  Yesterday, I  was reflecting upon integration of heart and mind and how this shows up in this website.  Today, I am recognizing that this question is really about vulnerability and strategy and that these are questions that are part of my current learning/growing edge.

Vulnerability?  How vulnerable do I want to make myself?  Sharing like this feels a bit like taking a bath on my front porch (this is purely conjecture as I’ve not tried it).  Do I want to share my process and questions as I  develop this web presence or do I want to reflect privately and post something that describes the destination and not the journey?  Much of my life I’ve done the later and have left people wondering what was going on inside.  Now I an yearning to live with more authenticity and transparency.

Maybe as I am able to share some of the journey in writing I will develop more courage to share myself in relationship (though probably no baths on the front porch).  And, in the spirit of authenticity, I do need to acknowledge the safety that I feel in knowing that there is probably no one reading this blog and I always have the option of checking the private option and hiding the post.  I need not feel constrained by the level of courage and comfort that I feel right now.

Strategy?  Will this website be a way for me to attract work?  While that has not been my primary objective, it has always been part of my consciousness.  After all, I have chosen my business name as the name for the site and I have been treating this as a business expense.  So, I need to think of this as my business identity.  It has been clear to me all along that I don’t want this to be a place for me to talk about what I had for dinner last night or to post pictures of my family or my vacation (that’s what Facebook is for).  Yet, in the world I want to live in, the distinction between life work and personal life is pretty artificial.  I bring myself to my work and my work is a big part of who I am.  This site is about life and work as a journey and I can’t be true to my values without sharing  my own journey.  Perhaps this kind of reflection and sharing is at the heart of what I have to offer.

But I also want to be involved with the transformation of healthcare and to be able to offer my coaching and hosting and consulting skills in the nonprofit and business world.  What will potential clients think if they see this level of authenticity?  If I share my questions more readily than my answers?  If I speak from my heart and not just my head?  If I model vulnerability?  If I speak of values and processes that are outside the conventional “professional” discourse?  Will I be presenting myself as a flake and limiting my opportunities?

These questions are very real for me and they comes from a place of fear.  They also reflect my sense of scarcity and my presumption that I need to “market” myself to attract work.  These are old patterns of thinking and beliefs that do not serve me and do not support that person I want to be and the world that I want to live in.  I want to trust in the abundance of opportunities and in my ability to be of service and value by showing up fully and authentically.  Maybe there are individuals and organizations that are looking for this level of presence and they are the ones that I really want to work with anyway.  Today I am feeling the courage to show up and allow myself to be seen (augmented, of course, by the safely of that privacy button).

In conclusion, I am reminded of the quote from Marianne Williamson: “There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”  This is the guiding principle that I want to remember as I develop this site.

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