What a gift it is to sit beside a beautiful flowing river and to gaze at the wooded mountainside beyond. It is so peaceful here in Macedonia where I am taking a few days of rest and recovery. Yet, my mind cannot let go of the experiences of the past month and of the knowledge that not far from here there are families struggling against fatigue and weather and resistant systems in their effort to find safety and asylum. What a contrast between the peaceful powerful flow of the river and the chaotic flow of migrating people.
There is so much that I cannot begin to find the words to describe. The experience had so many facets to it…
Watching the cooperation and the courage of migrating people in the most extreme conditions. Dealing with challenging logistical problems. Feeling the bone-deep chill from hours in the cold rain. Sensing the warmth of my life-force flowing into the hypothermic child in my arms. Seeing genuine gratitude in response to a banana or a raincoat. Feeling frustration with the demands of everyone wanting a plastic garbage bag while knowing that I only had enough for the women and children.
Anger at being alone in life and death crises while the medical and aid professionals awoke from their night’s sleep or did their paperwork between shifts leaving volunteers and police to manage the situation. The amazing volunteer system that self-organized over a couple of weeks. The sense of comradeship with fellow-volunteers at the end of a long shift. Teamwork with the stoic police officers with the big hearts that they dared not show openly. Deep respect and appreciation for some of the professionals who persisted against so many obstacles.
The resourcefulness of volunteers who sourced scarce supplies and devised creative solutions. Frustration and anger with the anarchist volunteers who resisted any attempts at organization and structure and endangered the good relations that others had worked so hard to develop. Frustration and anger at attempts by those in position of power to impose unilateral decisions on people who had far more understanding of the complexities of the situation. Fear, frustration and exasperation with “Mafia taxi drivers”, those who find ways of exploiting the vulnerable at each point of their journey and who threaten volunteers who attempt to provide honest information.
The heart-expanding experience so deeply feeling the emotion of the crowd of people around me that I could not speak without crying. The powerlessness of lying sick with a fever for over a day while knowing that I was needed on the streets. The surprise of discovering a capacity to energetically hold an agitated crowd at the edge of rioting and to help them breathe and calm. Impatience with inefficiencies, waste and redundancies. The sickening piles of garbage every day and the sense of accomplishment when we had cleaned the street. Concern for the lack of sanitation and the constant risk of an outbreak of dysentery. The gift of friends showing up to be with me and to support me in this work; I couldn’t have done it without that support.
The beautiful smile of children. Aggravation toward people whose ego seemed more important than the needs we were addressing and toward those cavalier volunteers who come to town and initiate projects only to leave them half-complete for someone else to implement while they rush off to the next hot-spot to feed their adrenaline addiction. Impatience with my own judgmental nature and tendency to see the worst in situations. The tiresome use of the pronoun “I” when”we” were responsible for most everything that was accomplished. The difficulty of opening my eyes at 6am after 5 hours of sleep and pulling myself out of bed. Falling soundingly asleep in a restaurant while eating dinner.
The sense of total overwhelm while accompanying the son of a deceased woman in search of her other son; looking for an Ahmed in a sea of Middle Eastern faces. The feeling of deep connection when I laid my hands on a man about to have a heart attack and we together breathed him through the crisis. The sense of satisfaction at the end of a shift or the end of the day, knowing that 5,000 or 10,000 people were a step closer to their destination. The embarrassed pleasure in being told “thank you” over and over again.
It feels like each of these snippets of experience deserves its own story and exploration. Yet my time for reflection has been so limited and tomorrow I will be returning to Presevo to see what is next for me.
I was in Presevo for 21 days, working 15 to 18 hours most days. During that time, at least 100,000 people walked through the town and through my life, having fled war and having crossed the Aegean in rafts, some having lost family members, many having lost their life savings and their belongings, some searching for lost family members. All determined to make their way to a new life in Europe. This is a epic event that I am convinced will have change the future of Europe and the world. There is so much positive and so much potential if Europe is able to continue welcoming and assimilating these incredible people. And so much potential for conflict and cultural war if the world closes its heart and allows fear to direct our responses.
Over and over, I was struck by the fact that many of the people in front of me had been middle-class professionals in their home countries – doctors, lawyers, factory owners, professors, engineers, teachers. Only a week before, some of them had been living a middle-class lifestyle similar what I have known. And during that week, they had progressively been stripped of their dignity and their sense of agency and choice to the point that they were begging for and gratefully accepting a plastic garbage bag or a bit of food. And, at the same time, there were proud families that insisted that the children say “thank you” for each little thing they received.
This has truly been the most intense experience of my life, filled with all kinds of emotions and with difficult physical challenges. And it has probably been the most satisfying and rewarding experience also as i discovered my own capacity and gifts and experienced the gift of being of being a channel for love and compassion. I am so grateful!
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