“Why worry?” From the time I was a child, I have heard this challenge (usually with something about prayer attached). Worrying doesn’t accomplish anything. Just trust.
As I approached the beginning of my camino 
a week ago, I was very aware of the conversations going on around me in the bus and in my own head. They covered every possible contingency – the weather, budget, proper equipment, physical readiness, mental readiness, spiritual readiness, the weight of my pack, my “muy mal” espanol, and on and on.
It was easy for me to be condescending and critical of the conversations that I was overhearing. Obviously, they don’t know. Obviously, they are not comfortable with what they cannot control. Obviously, they are insecure and want to be able to plan for every contingency. When I looked inside and found myself engaging in a similar pattern of worrying over what I cannot control, I was humbled and saw it a little differently. After all, I am a veteran of one camino and I know (at least conceptually) that there is really nothing to worry about. The camino has centuries of experience in dealing with every imaginable problem and there are solutions within easy reach.
I know that worrying accomplishes nothing and I know that there is an alternative way of being. I have practices that help me to ground my thoughts and emotions and to access that inner place of trust. And yet, my inner dialog continued to oscillate between my own fears and my contempt for the fearful conversations of others. Fear is a powerful emotion! In th
e moment, I was not conscious enough to recognize it as such, but this was my fear expressing itself. And quite appropriately. I was about to begin a 500 mile walk, without knowing anyone else and with all of the very real possibilities of things going “wrong”. The old brain is designed to experience fear in such situations and my brain was working perfectly!
Perhaps someday, I will be able to turn off, or at least turn down, the primordial fear response. Maybe someday I will learn to recognize it for what it is in the moment. But I’m not there yet. What I appreciate is that I have come to recognize the importance of practice and its ability to hold me even when I am otherwise unable to ground myself. In this case, the practice is walking the camino, just taking one step after another. This practice is powerful. In a very short time, my attention had shifted from my fears to the sensations in my body (not all that positive at times as I struggled up the Pyrenees) and to my beautiful surroundings. My mood shifted from fear to gratitude and curiosity and awe.
As the kilometers increased, it has felt like the mud and silt in my mind is settling and a clarity is emerging. The sounds of the birds, the smell of wild flowers, the light on the mountains, the interesting conversations with other pilgrims – it all puts things into a different perspective. There really is nothing to fear. The camino will provide. Life will provide. I am right were I belong and I am blessed to be in this experience. Life is simple – get up, get dressed, walk, find a place to sleep, shower, wash my clothes, eat, sleep, and get up and do it all over again. With each step, it feels like I sink deeper into this simplicity and I am more able to let go of the old worries.
No, it is not bliss or enlightenment. It is damn hard work at times and sometimes it feels miserable as the road stretches ahead seemingly forever and the sun beats down on me and my pack reminds me that I am carrying too much. Today was a difficult day. Yet, this is not the same as living in fear and worry. It is about being fully alive and in my body. I am so grateful to be on this journey – this journey called the Camino and this journey called life – and for all that it has to teach me.
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