What is going on with me? I am in my last weeks of life in La Grande, the completion of a huge chapter of my life, almost 38 years! Shouldn’t I be reflecting more upon the emotional aspects of this transition? Shouldn’t I be diving deeply into the experience of completion and letting go and preparation for living in the open space of my coming pilgrimage? Instead, I find myself immersed in financial planning, giving notice to my landlord, sorting my socks, and going on treasure hunts for perfect packing boxes – immersed in the busyness of my external world. This is not how I who I want to be. I imagine myself living deeply, drinking deeply from the experiences of life and discovering their deeper meanings. Meanwhile, I can’t seem to get enough sleep so my soul must be doing some heavy lifting of its own during the ten hours or so per night that I let go of the conscious world.
My intention for my journey is to be accepting of what life offers and to allow myself to flow with life’s currents instead of fighting against them. I imagine this to be a learning journey in discovering gentleness and patience and in letting go of that persistent voice of judgment telling me that I am not doing enough. Of course, the journey has already begun whether or not I realize it. My current experience is providing as much opportunity for learning as my time on the camino will.
Yesterday our HHS Community of Practice monthly call focused on the question of how we are hosting ourselves and attending to our internal life. I expressed my frustration with my current external focus and was reminded by my friend, Kathy, that I will have lots of time for reflection while walking a 500 mile pilgrimage. Duh!! So maybe for now I can just be patient with myself as I deal with all the details that will help to make the pilgrimage possible. Maybe I can be gentle with myself as I let go of the myriad of attachments to stuff that I have nurtured for so many years. As I let go of each possession, I feel a bit lighter but the letting go is difficult work. How could this be any different?
With each box I pack to give away, I let go of another attachment. With each box I pack for storage, I acknowledge an attachment that I’m not yet ready to let go of and for which I will continue to pay the price until I am ready. But for now, the much of the emotional impact of this struggle is going on below the surface of my consciousness. And that’s ok! In my impatience, I want to examine the process and to watch and understand the changes as they are happening in my psyche. I imagine that a new being is growing within me like a fetus in a pregnant woman. When the time is right, it will be born; until that time, any attempts to see it and play with it are not only unproductive, they are dangerous.
For now, my work is on the external, practical, material level. By doing this work well with mindfulness and care, I am creating the conditions for the internal work to happen. And then, in the proper season, the fruits of this work will become apparent.
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