My flight to Europe does not leave until August 23 but it feels like my pilgrimage and the associated learnings have begun. Over the past few days I have been sending a message to friends and family telling about my decision to leave La Grande and to go on a pilgrimage. In it, I asked for their support in the form of a letter that I can open while on my pilgrimage. I didn’t expect the response that I am receiving and I am still trying to process how it is affecting me.
I have received many words of encouragement, promises of letters, poetry, and also several offers of places to stay in my future homelessness. I even received a promise of work to allow me to “earn my keep” and an offer of financial support if I ever need it. Many of the messages included some reference to my courage and an appreciation for the steps that I am taking. Frankly, I don’t know what to do with these expressions of support and friendship. I am gratified and a bit embarrassed and concerned by my instinctive desire to want to grasp these and to use them to increase my sense of self-importance and my ego.
Receiving a gift with grace and gratitude is a skill, I am realizing. The old saying is that “it is more blessed to give than to receive”; I am realizing that giving is also much more comfortable. There is vulnerability in receiving that triggers some feelings of shame in me. I should be able to take care of myself and not need any help – at least this is what that voice in my head seems to think. And yet, I know the joy in giving, having recently been actively engaged in giving away books, my CD collection and much of my furniture and clothes and household stuff. I love the feeling of freedom in letting go of this stuff and also the joy in knowing that someone else will use it and value it. While I know that there can be no givers without receivers, I find it difficult and uncomfortable to let go of the control of a giver and to simply accept.
The notion of living in a gift economy is very appealing to me but, as I venture deeper into it, I am becoming aware of some deeper resistant I hold toward it. There is an old, old discourse within me that says I need to earn my way in life. It is closely connected to my discourse about not deserving what I am given. And then there is a third witch telling me that every gift brings an accompanying obligation that I am inadequate to repay. Yuck! With all this going on in my head, it is no wonder that I am so uncomfortable being on the receiving end of generosity.
I imagine the process of giving and receiving to be similar to breathing – it’s not healthy or sustainable to do more of one than the other. Inhale and receive with gratitude; exhale and let go with generosity. I am so blessed and privileged to be on this journey and I know that I could not be doing it without the gifts of health and supportive friends and so much more. So, I hope that I can walk with humility and gratitude and generosity and that my journey can be in service of something greater than myself.
It is my intention to use this blog as a way of sharing some of my reflections and learnings along the way. Perhaps this can be one of my ways of exhaling and of expressing my gratitude.
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Dear Steve,
I was wondering where you were in your process for leaving on this journey. Thank you for this update and the comments on the difficulty of receiving. It is a powerful reminder to me on my own journey. A quick question: Where should we send a letter so that you might receive it while on your pilgrimage? Sometimes a handwritten letter can be worth more than a hundred emails.
Blessings on your ongoing preparations,
Ann
Hi Ann, Thanks for your response, for your support and encouragement and for your offer to contribute a letter. I cherish each of these.
My intention is to continue receiving letters here at my La Grande address until I leave around August 20. I don’t have any plans for receiving letters while on the pilgrimage. So, if you would like to send me a handwritten letter, please do so in the next three weeks and send to 1401 N Avenue, La Grande, OR 97850. I am carefully evaluating each ounce that I will be carrying in my pack but I can assure you that handwritten letters will be treasured, carried with gratitude and read with deep appreciation for you and for our friendship.
with love and gratitude,
Steve
Hello Steve,
Congratulations on doing the Camino. I stumbled upon your site as I was searching for the source of David Whyte’s “10 Questions…” work and thought I must pause and pay tribute to your site and work. Having just seen David Whyte at the ICF Conference in London this month and wanting to also walk the Camino I look forward to reading your posts. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom!
Larry
Welcome Larry. I am pleased that you found my site and found something of value here. i developed it for my own use but I love it when others find there way here and get something useful. I hope that you come back and I wish you the best for your camino. If you have questions in preparation for the camino or if you just want to hear about my experiences, let me know and we can arrange a call.
Steve
Hi Steve,
I came to your site to see how you were getting on. Like Larry I attended the ICF Conference in London and not only was I impressed with David Whyte I was also moved by Brene Brown. Her latest book “Daring Greatly” speaks about shame and vulnerability and the strengths of leaders who display humility and vulnerability. Your pilgrimage and deep reflections are acts of vulnerable leadership. I admire you. Sylvana
Thanks for that affirmation, Sylvana. It makes me smile to remember your initial response when I shared my intention, that response about thinking me a little loco. I love it and have cherished it for its authenticity. I hope that our paths cross along the way. I had thought that I might be traveling through London later this month on my way to Reykjavik and back to the US. When I bought the ticket from Iceland it was a great deal but now that I am in Egypt, it is no longer a viable return itinerary. So, who know where the road will lead but I am sure grateful for each step along the way.
BTW, I had my first session with an Egyptian coaching client yesterday and have two more clients in the works. Life does seem to have a purpose for me here right now.
Steve